1st Day 2013

Well the day pretty much was boring. Woke up late due to partying a lot the night before and went shopping at Old Navy in Baltimore. Where I got in a heated argument with the guy I was dating. Fun shit in the middle of a clothing store. Felt nausea all day and ate a salad. Best part, holding my god son Joah. Beers and wings with Danielle at Buffalo Wild Wings. Debating whether or not I should delete Facebook. Pretty exciting shit.

midnight tears and all i want is sleep

for some reason i cant sleep. all i can think of is the horrible dream i had last night and all the good memories that ive had and how they all seem so unreal. the dream; found out i was hiv poz and flew back to california and cut my wrists right in front of my best friend. the meaning behind that? i have no fricken clue! (for the record im neg) the memories; good ones with lovers, and how i felt no pain and all the worries of the world were gone. reality check; im single, lonely and miss everyone.

its been a while..

 ...so here it goes. since my angered post of being cheated a happy childhood. living in pa is crazy for me. no family. all my really good friends living in ca and i have my best friends family as my own. i love them, the kids the dog and yes even sometimes the cat and the super crazy weather, 7 inches of snow in october. taking the kiddos to soccer and ballet, working full time and trying to date/have a social life... the job, BLERG as liz lemon would say. i hate it, its boring and i feel like i waste my days trying to sell furniture, thank god im not commission yet. dating life around here sucks, a lot of closeted men or ones that are in relationships with either their life long "partner" or best one girlfriend. so my dating life consists of me and well my hand. social life is interesting.. never really a dull moment with these new friends of mine.. what is really interesting i find is the love triangles. more awkwardness. one guy like another one but he is in a semi-relationship, not sure if its closed or open, then he is hitting one this one guy who likes this other guy... i swear i could write and produce amazing movies based on the things that happen in or around my life. that is a wrap. FIN.

The Anger Inside

the feelings i get when i look back in my childhood consist of anger, sadness, lonely, depressed... there are some happy feelings. why do i feel this way? growing up with foster parents and never truly knowing my own parents, is hurtful. some people ask where i come from. i came from a broken home, both parents being deaf and heavily into drugs, not having a care in the world. sometimes i imagine what life would be like if they were responsible adults. my father died when i was 13. he died of a drug and alcohol overdose. sometimes i wish i was the only one affected by all of this, but all eight of my moms kids had to go through this. my older brother is constantly in jail, selling drugs and himself is a drug addict. he has kids and never sees them because of his horrible habit. as for the rest of us kids we live semi normal lives. in a way im glad it all happened. it has made me a better person today for it. sometime i do believe that it was all part of a ultimate plan of a higher being.

Drama Much...?

wow so lately there just has been way too much drama. between friends and not necessarily myself. it a bit overwhelming. im not sure what to do because im not the root of the drama... because it all is happening its made things awkward. awkward doesnt even do the this statement justice. i wish people would just be normal and not create more drama than life gives us...

just fine

ever have one of those days where all hell breaks loose and your only hope is to crawl back in bed but the day has just begun? of course you have. we all have. you walk someplace and someone asks you if your ok and you say, "fine." its ok not to be ok. the idea that we have to be perfect and act like nothing wrong ever happens is bs. its something that we all have been taught since we were young. we are not perfect. its ok for us to show our imperfections it defines who we are. how we are different from each other. so be yourself and if your having a bad day, reach out and tell a friend, that might help you through the day.

heavy hearted with a loss of words...

not many words can describe how i am currently feeling. i dont know what to say because there are no words to say them with. feeling like my dad died for a second time. i just want to cry but no tears are coming. i feel that the best i can do i just smile. a smile to shield those around me from feeling what i feel..