midnight tears and all i want is sleep

for some reason i cant sleep. all i can think of is the horrible dream i had last night and all the good memories that ive had and how they all seem so unreal. the dream; found out i was hiv poz and flew back to california and cut my wrists right in front of my best friend. the meaning behind that? i have no fricken clue! (for the record im neg) the memories; good ones with lovers, and how i felt no pain and all the worries of the world were gone. reality check; im single, lonely and miss everyone.

its been a while..

 ...so here it goes. since my angered post of being cheated a happy childhood. living in pa is crazy for me. no family. all my really good friends living in ca and i have my best friends family as my own. i love them, the kids the dog and yes even sometimes the cat and the super crazy weather, 7 inches of snow in october. taking the kiddos to soccer and ballet, working full time and trying to date/have a social life... the job, BLERG as liz lemon would say. i hate it, its boring and i feel like i waste my days trying to sell furniture, thank god im not commission yet. dating life around here sucks, a lot of closeted men or ones that are in relationships with either their life long "partner" or best one girlfriend. so my dating life consists of me and well my hand. social life is interesting.. never really a dull moment with these new friends of mine.. what is really interesting i find is the love triangles. more awkwardness. one guy like another one but he is in a semi-relationship, not sure if its closed or open, then he is hitting one this one guy who likes this other guy... i swear i could write and produce amazing movies based on the things that happen in or around my life. that is a wrap. FIN.

The Anger Inside

the feelings i get when i look back in my childhood consist of anger, sadness, lonely, depressed... there are some happy feelings. why do i feel this way? growing up with foster parents and never truly knowing my own parents, is hurtful. some people ask where i come from. i came from a broken home, both parents being deaf and heavily into drugs, not having a care in the world. sometimes i imagine what life would be like if they were responsible adults. my father died when i was 13. he died of a drug and alcohol overdose. sometimes i wish i was the only one affected by all of this, but all eight of my moms kids had to go through this. my older brother is constantly in jail, selling drugs and himself is a drug addict. he has kids and never sees them because of his horrible habit. as for the rest of us kids we live semi normal lives. in a way im glad it all happened. it has made me a better person today for it. sometime i do believe that it was all part of a ultimate plan of a higher being.

Drama Much...?

wow so lately there just has been way too much drama. between friends and not necessarily myself. it a bit overwhelming. im not sure what to do because im not the root of the drama... because it all is happening its made things awkward. awkward doesnt even do the this statement justice. i wish people would just be normal and not create more drama than life gives us...

just fine

ever have one of those days where all hell breaks loose and your only hope is to crawl back in bed but the day has just begun? of course you have. we all have. you walk someplace and someone asks you if your ok and you say, "fine." its ok not to be ok. the idea that we have to be perfect and act like nothing wrong ever happens is bs. its something that we all have been taught since we were young. we are not perfect. its ok for us to show our imperfections it defines who we are. how we are different from each other. so be yourself and if your having a bad day, reach out and tell a friend, that might help you through the day.

heavy hearted with a loss of words...

not many words can describe how i am currently feeling. i dont know what to say because there are no words to say them with. feeling like my dad died for a second time. i just want to cry but no tears are coming. i feel that the best i can do i just smile. a smile to shield those around me from feeling what i feel..

FOOL OF ME

looking back at all my relationships... thinking about how i have failed in this whole relationship thing... realizing that i havent failed at all but have moved on to find a better mate for myself. damn those bitter endings. wish i could go back and change the way they ended. just a simple handshake and thank them for applying all the fun that had taken place and let them know they werent the match for me, and simply skipped away. NOPE! it ends in tears or an instant move out or what was horribly sad a text message.. realizing that past relationships that didnt work out, ended up to work in my favor. i wouldnt be the person or man i am today without them, so thank you men and a little women of my past. maybe it isnt about the happy ending but the stories that come with it...

a half drunken post and a rant...

the mixed emotions of what you feel while intoxicated. why men do the things they do and how you react to them. why is it that gay men feel it ok to invite you out and then talk about how sexy other men are right in front of you... i guess thats what i get for expecting something out of something that apparently wasnt. in thinking there was a connection, there really wasnt, i guess the only connection was my dick in his ass... guess it goes back to dtr. guess i should have defined the relationship better or really seen what he wanted from me.

DTR

dtr: define the relationship. in watching a recent show on mtv, awkward, this came up. made me think a little.. what does it mean to dtr? is is setting the boundaries to a closed or open relationship? making a secret relationship exclusive? makes me think on how i have in the past defined my relationships, whether it be with friends or lovers and how in defining the relationship it turned out.

a time for change

recently i flew to pennsylvania only intending on staying here for a couple of weeks to be with a dear friend while she gives birth to her first child. thinking about the future and where i was going in sacramento, i decided to stay until she moved back to california, so two weeks turned into two months and now a one year commitment to this state. so far its been a little over a month and ive had a lot of time to think. in this time ive decided that i am going to stay here in pennsylvania, although my best friend will be moving back to cali. i feel that with me staying here  in pa i can control my life and become something more than what i was in cali. already ive had interviews at career oriented jobs and a stable living environment. i know this will be really hard for me since all my friends and family are back on the west coast, but feel that it is a time for change...

what changes do i hope to make in the next year here that i cant do in sacramento you ask...? job market here in pa isnt as competitive as it is in sac. here i have a few people that im competing with, and trust me that isnt much of a competition, i have a lot more teeth than some of these people, haha. change of scenery, not saying im a whore or slut.. but the gay community in sac is circulated, if you catch my drift... also this is a different kind of scenery, its country and farms with a little city life, compared to sac where its all building and smog air.. i also want to change the image that people may have of me, because of the friends that i used to have, or what my drunk of an ex goes around telling people. asshole. also need time and space to configure my feelings of past relationships and family and how i want to move on with these feelings.

what happens now.. i continue to interview, hoping to land a job within the next week or two. buy a car. save the next few months and move into my own apartment. after a year i will evaluate where i am in my life and whether i will move back to cali. i can promise that i will come to visit cali for all my true friends and family. i love you all and will continue to post.